TRUE COLOURS

So, you've tackled the age old problem of colour throughout your stupid, meaningless and racist flag waving, John Howard voting existence... you wanted to be white during apartheid; but when they released the hit tracks "Free Nelson Mandela" and "Pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side" your newly realised consciousness and MC Hammer lifestyle suggested otherwise ... Vanilla Ice further blurred your lines.

Check this adventurous suicide, my flexibly coloured brother-sister ...

Given you're now washed up, fat, possibly white (but becoming pinker every day) pointless and have nothing lleft to lose.. find out what your true real colour is using the oft overlooked inanity of kitchen blending!

All things considered, you are the sum of your parts - the only true test of your colour is through the total mash of mixmaster styled mash up - that is - by vitamizing the sum of your various bits into a frothy aggregate.

We call it ManShake™ (patent pending).

We use only the finest Jamie Oliver products to determine these colours. Our unique method of angular trajectory blending and 80's TV technology, guarantees that your last conscious moment will be the realisation of your true blended colour.

Straws will be provided for the first 50 takers of our latest Adventure Suicide product.

BLUNT FRIEND TRAUMA

Die at the hands of your own 'friends'.

How it works ...

We ask you to provide a short list of friends/ associates, who you believe are the most prone to extreme violence. Over a period of several weeks, we seed personally destructive, libelous and extreme disinformation including (but not limited to) their:

• sexual predilections;
• personal hygiene;
• sexual abuse at the hands of their parents/children;
• cancer;
• anus;
• animals and partners/both;
• being a pissant;
• genitals.

... peppered with fragmented details previously entrusted/confided only to you.

Once the desired rage has been engendered, we organise for you to be 'exposed' in a clearly vulnerable situation (we can include for a small price any type of humiliation you may be predisposed to), whereby your 'friends' have unadulterated violent access and immunity, to set upon you with variously placed murderous objects.

Objects used are at our discretion and may or may not include:

• stuffed toys with modified internal lead skeletons (giraffe, echidna)
• large lead weighted rubber dildo (blue, skin colour);
• plastic bags (small, black);
• hand-saw (rusted);
• knitting needle (chewed, old lady).

Available immediately

HIGH SOCIETY BENDS

Our first offering, High Society Bends, gives you the chance to die from quite a romantic condition.

Not many get to experience the bends due to the expense and coordinated professionalism (to a point) required to get it right wrong, and believe it or not, our method is cheaper!

We start with a small aircraft flight over Sydney and out to sea. You will be ejected from the aircraft at 12,000 metres attached to our trademark AquaSafe™ device and wearing a snorkel.

The AquaSafe™ device is designed to both protect you through the impact and rapidly bring you back to the surface. It will release you 5m before breaking the surface and fall to the ocean floor where it releases millions of coral spore whilst providing the perfect environment for the coral to thrive.

You'll survive the fall and the impact but you won't survive the bends!

You will never experience this anywhere else!

This Adventure Suicide is available from January 2009.